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Monday, August 31, 2009
Things On My Mind
There have been a few things going on that I now feel it's the right time to share. Blogging is a very interesting, but tricky thing sometimes. Through blogs you get to know people as they share their lives. Sometimes, the bonding can grow so close that it even moves into real life. That being said what I'm about to say, some of you already know and you have been understanding and supportive in my desire to wait until it was right for me to speak on these things.
Furthermore, when what I say on this blog affects more than me, but also those I love and cherish, so I have to tread lightly and cautiously in how I speak here. Sometimes, not being able to speak freely feels like censorship, but I respect the privacy and feelings of others and do not want to cause pain to anyone.
Years ago, before children and marriage, I read an article in one of those lady home journals titled "The Woman Who Stole My Marriage". My immediate thought when I read the title was that the article was going to be about a woman scorned because her husband had cheated on her with another woman. Throughout, the entire article the woman referred to "she" or "her". It wasn't until about three-quarters through the article did I understand what she was really talking about. Her husband suffered from severe depression. She felt depression robbed her of her husband the same way it would have had he been cheating with another woman.
If anyone has a family member or loved one who suffers from a psychological disorder it really does feel at times like "someone" is cheating with the other person. It's been a pretty hard journey for my husband and I at times, as we both try to figure out how to deal with his PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as a result of serving in Iraq. I love him dearly and want to fight until the end for him and our marriage. But lately I feel I'm the only one doing the fighting. Quite honestly, I'm tired of fighting for us. Just being real.
I've prayed and cried and prayed and fasted; cried again and pleaded with God; got angry, felt guilty and then prayed again. I haven't been the only one praying. Family and friends have been interceding for us too. I am so weary of this. Four years and it just isn't getting better. There were times my hope was lifted up and then it was dashed again. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. No one can change a person. Change has to be a choice each person desires for himself. I feel spent. I feel like I have no more to give.
I'm not here to bash him or anything. I love him, but is love really enough, I wonder? I'm not so sure. Just being real. We will work this out one way or another. I don't know if this story will have a forever after. But, I'm always rooting for him. Right now I need some space, both physically and mentally.
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Sha~Dou!
Furthermore, when what I say on this blog affects more than me, but also those I love and cherish, so I have to tread lightly and cautiously in how I speak here. Sometimes, not being able to speak freely feels like censorship, but I respect the privacy and feelings of others and do not want to cause pain to anyone.
Years ago, before children and marriage, I read an article in one of those lady home journals titled "The Woman Who Stole My Marriage". My immediate thought when I read the title was that the article was going to be about a woman scorned because her husband had cheated on her with another woman. Throughout, the entire article the woman referred to "she" or "her". It wasn't until about three-quarters through the article did I understand what she was really talking about. Her husband suffered from severe depression. She felt depression robbed her of her husband the same way it would have had he been cheating with another woman.
If anyone has a family member or loved one who suffers from a psychological disorder it really does feel at times like "someone" is cheating with the other person. It's been a pretty hard journey for my husband and I at times, as we both try to figure out how to deal with his PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as a result of serving in Iraq. I love him dearly and want to fight until the end for him and our marriage. But lately I feel I'm the only one doing the fighting. Quite honestly, I'm tired of fighting for us. Just being real.
I've prayed and cried and prayed and fasted; cried again and pleaded with God; got angry, felt guilty and then prayed again. I haven't been the only one praying. Family and friends have been interceding for us too. I am so weary of this. Four years and it just isn't getting better. There were times my hope was lifted up and then it was dashed again. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. No one can change a person. Change has to be a choice each person desires for himself. I feel spent. I feel like I have no more to give.
I'm not here to bash him or anything. I love him, but is love really enough, I wonder? I'm not so sure. Just being real. We will work this out one way or another. I don't know if this story will have a forever after. But, I'm always rooting for him. Right now I need some space, both physically and mentally.
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14 comments:
We are still praying for you guys. We love ya so much and want what ever is best for you. Know that we will stand behind you through it. Hang in there. Let me know what I can do for you, even if it is just to continue praying.
I don't have any deep thoughts or profound words of wisdom, just a hug just for you. Along with my prayers.
I found your blog through another blog friend...and I just wanted to say i totally understand where you are....I am experiencing the EXACT thing! My DH also suffers from PTSD (military related)
hugs to you!
Damn, damn, damn!! I'm so sorry that you are going through this painful period in your life and marriage. Geez, marriage is tough enough when both partners are in it to win it!! But when you have one that has completely shut down...damn... I just can't imagine!! Have you tried marriage counseling? I know it doesn't work for everyone, but its worth a try at this point, right? My hubby and I had to get a 'tune' up about 3 years ago( just keeping it real) and we've totally strenghtened our bond. The key is to find a Christian marriage counselor or one that is marriage based. We used our counselor as a mediator for our issues because often when we spoke to each other in heated discussions, we often failed to truly listen to the others concerns or grips.
Is your husband getting professional help for his issues? If not, its time and you might have to remind him of that.
This war is a bitch and its destroying men, women and families. The military is full broken folks, both physical and mentally.
I'm praying for you and yours. Email me, if you need someone to listen. Take care and God Bless
Oh man, I'll be praying too. My son and his wife just found out that she is bi-polar. It is VERY hard to love and stay with someone with such a severe problem. They are trying, but he has set forth some rules, such as she has to get counseling and take her meds. She doesn't have to be cured, just trying. They've gone through several rough patches through the years and it wasn't until two months ago, after he moved out temporarily that she agreed to find out what was wrong. I pray that you will get clear guidance from God. I agree, that war is ruining our people!
That's awful that you're going through this. I can only imagine what you both must be going through. I hope you're both able to come through this OK and see the sun shine together again.
Girl we should talk on the phone! My husband served in Iraq as well. He was apart of the longest serving national guard unit in history...22 months. and although he wasn't going door to door looking for alleged insurgents, that kind of time away from home and a normal life, as well walking around with a weapon every day changes a person, and not for the better. My thoughts are with you and i am here if you want to talk. And trust me, I know what it's like to be tired, just beat down and tired.
I commend you for being so open and honest about this and I think you will find that you are not alone. I'm praying and hoping that both you and he find the comfort and help that you need.
I so appreciate all your encouragement and prayers. Words can't express how it lifts my spirits. I know all things happen for a reason and I'm trying the best I can to be positive for the kids. The last thing I want is to see them suffer more because I have a bad attitude. Right now I'm letting go and letting God. I don't know what else to do.
@Jenn, Marty & Tnt5150 I wish that none of you understood so personally what it's like. Whether it's a spouse or a family member it's not any easier to see the person suffering and being powerless to help if they don't want it.
@Yvonne we went to counseling one through out church. He didn't like the counselors approach. After that it was difficult to get him to want to try another counselor in the church. When he first came out of Iraq he received counseling through the VA. He hated it b/c he said all they wanted to do wss medicate the vets. I don't blame him for not wanting to go back based on how he described it. However, I had hoped he would try another avenue.
I'm right there with you and your words totally touched my soul. I know what you mean - fighting a one-sided battle is so very draining and I do believe that love is never enough. It's necessary and vital, but it's not enough.
Thank you for being honest, for sharing and for inspiring others (like me) to open up and receive encouragement. I just said a prayer for you!!
You and your family are in my prayers right now. I hope everything works out for the best.
I believe no matter what, God’s arm is not too short to save. God can and will intervene.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Stay blessed, and in His care.
Quiskaeya,
I pray that your marriage and the two of you will be strong enough to work through these difficult times. I don't profess to know at all what you have been going through, but I do hope for an ending that involves the two of you learning to love and care for each other as strongly as the happier times you remember.
I want to thank your husband, you, and your children for sacrificing to protect my family as well as so many others whether it was by choice or obligation, which could be the same.
I am just reading this... and I have you in my prayers. I have a friend who is going through something similar and I have offered her my ears... and I offer you the same my sista!