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Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Dissecting The Image Of The Black SAHM
For as long as I've been working at my job there are certain details about myself I assumed my co-workers knew about me. At some point, I had to have mentioned that I'm married. More than likely in a conversation or two I've probably stated I'm originally from Haiti. I'm certainly NOT ashamed to say that I am a Christian.
Therefore, when a guy I work with casually stated about a month ago, "You don't look like the type to have kids, so I was shocked when I found out you have two and you used to be a SAHM!"
Okaaaaay? I wanted to ask him to describe what a woman with kids looks like, but suppressed the urge. I'll admit I'm not the one to decorate my office and desk with kiddie photos and drawings from my children. I don't spend every moment talking about how Lil Man did this or Lil One did that. No need to ask me why. It's just not my way. Work is for work. At home and in my personal life my world is ALL about my family. Having said that, to go back to what I previously mentioned I still feel that at some point a conversation about my children had to have come up.
What really puzzled me about this guy's comment was his emphasis on "....and you used to be a SAHM! I couldn't resist the temptation to ask him to expound on the last part of his exclamation, so I succumbed to the pressure. If his previous revelation surprised me, I was in for a bigger surprise at his response to my inquiry.
"Do African American Moms stay at home? I mean that might be a weird question, but I've never met an African American Mom that stayed at home with her kids."
I laughed. It probably wasn't the best response to his genuine question. But the laughter just seemed to rise out of me without warning. When I finally got a hold of my composure the only response I could think of was, "Are you serious? If you are serious, yes black Mamas stay at home with their kids too."
Later, I thought about the scenario and felt a bit ashamed of myself for laughing at the guy as I remembered his shame-faced look when he responded, "I hope I didn't offend you by what I said."
The fact is, when I was a SAHMama I encountered this same reaction to being a black SAHMama a few times and it perplexed me. Once a black woman had the audacity to give me her opinion of what a black SAHMama looked like. "The only black women I knew that stayed at home were jobless, on welfare, poppin' kids like what and wasting their lives away!" She went on to tell me that she couldn't understand why an educated woman like myself would want to waste my education to rear kids. She spoke about how her own mother who never aspired to be more than a SAHMama with 7 kids, no education and a sad-ass husband that ran around on her.
Alrighty then. I guess I can understand why she had a jaded opinion of SAHMamas. But what about the black Mamas who are staying at home because they see their children as their greatest investments; the most important blessings worth any financial sacrifice; and the biggest honor bestowed a woman? What about these black Mamas? Tis true this isn't the calling of all black Mamas. As a matter of fact it isn't the calling of all Mamas, regardless of races.
However, in dispelling the myth there might be of the black SAHMama, how about checking out a few blogs of some awesome black SAHMamas and black Mama bloggers:
The Glamorous WAHM
Lisa C Writes
The Rest of Yesterday
Salt and Light Academy
My Life - A Work In Progress
HotChocolateCaramelMocha
Currents Between Shores
It's My It List
Ebony Mommy
Tanyetta
Blasian Baby Notes
NYCity Mama
The Daily Life of Me
A Meyerific Life
A-Musing
If ya didn't know, now ya know! :)
Looking for gifts, apparels and novelties with a green theme? Check us out at
Sha~Dou!
Therefore, when a guy I work with casually stated about a month ago, "You don't look like the type to have kids, so I was shocked when I found out you have two and you used to be a SAHM!"
Okaaaaay? I wanted to ask him to describe what a woman with kids looks like, but suppressed the urge. I'll admit I'm not the one to decorate my office and desk with kiddie photos and drawings from my children. I don't spend every moment talking about how Lil Man did this or Lil One did that. No need to ask me why. It's just not my way. Work is for work. At home and in my personal life my world is ALL about my family. Having said that, to go back to what I previously mentioned I still feel that at some point a conversation about my children had to have come up.
What really puzzled me about this guy's comment was his emphasis on "....and you used to be a SAHM! I couldn't resist the temptation to ask him to expound on the last part of his exclamation, so I succumbed to the pressure. If his previous revelation surprised me, I was in for a bigger surprise at his response to my inquiry.
"Do African American Moms stay at home? I mean that might be a weird question, but I've never met an African American Mom that stayed at home with her kids."
I laughed. It probably wasn't the best response to his genuine question. But the laughter just seemed to rise out of me without warning. When I finally got a hold of my composure the only response I could think of was, "Are you serious? If you are serious, yes black Mamas stay at home with their kids too."
Later, I thought about the scenario and felt a bit ashamed of myself for laughing at the guy as I remembered his shame-faced look when he responded, "I hope I didn't offend you by what I said."
The fact is, when I was a SAHMama I encountered this same reaction to being a black SAHMama a few times and it perplexed me. Once a black woman had the audacity to give me her opinion of what a black SAHMama looked like. "The only black women I knew that stayed at home were jobless, on welfare, poppin' kids like what and wasting their lives away!" She went on to tell me that she couldn't understand why an educated woman like myself would want to waste my education to rear kids. She spoke about how her own mother who never aspired to be more than a SAHMama with 7 kids, no education and a sad-ass husband that ran around on her.
Alrighty then. I guess I can understand why she had a jaded opinion of SAHMamas. But what about the black Mamas who are staying at home because they see their children as their greatest investments; the most important blessings worth any financial sacrifice; and the biggest honor bestowed a woman? What about these black Mamas? Tis true this isn't the calling of all black Mamas. As a matter of fact it isn't the calling of all Mamas, regardless of races.
However, in dispelling the myth there might be of the black SAHMama, how about checking out a few blogs of some awesome black SAHMamas and black Mama bloggers:
The Glamorous WAHM
Lisa C Writes
The Rest of Yesterday
Salt and Light Academy
My Life - A Work In Progress
HotChocolateCaramelMocha
Currents Between Shores
It's My It List
Ebony Mommy
Tanyetta
Blasian Baby Notes
NYCity Mama
The Daily Life of Me
A Meyerific Life
A-Musing
If ya didn't know, now ya know! :)
Looking for gifts, apparels and novelties with a green theme? Check us out at
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18 comments:
I'm at a stage of trying to figure out how I can stay home with my children. I'm so scared but i think it is important for myself and our family. Now do we get to this point by having my husband work like a madman,never seeing his kids. I would have to say no.
I'm really confused right now and have been asking others for some advice. When I ask my girlfriends that work, they think I'm crazy to give up my job/money and depend on a man. Yet when I ask my SAHMama's they think its a fabulous ideal and completely, at least financial, do-able.
Seriously, the ideal of giving up my paycheck is freaking me out. I've had a job since I was 13years old and I'm now 40. Honestly, I don't know anything else but I have a calling to be with my children. Does that sound sappy? I guess I will just pray on it until the answer reveals itself to me.
Seriously? Seriously?!?
Now, help me with something. How do you work but be a SAHM. Does SAHM mean Stay At Home Mom?
=_
Girl! You put it out there didn't you? I'm going to have to tweet this!
Being a stay at home mom IS a sacrifice but it is worth it more than I can even express. I went through a stage where I thought surely I was supposed to be something besides "just" raising kids.
But God gently spoke to me and told me that WAS my job. Raising my children to know and love HIM.
Have we had financial problems? Oh yes, more than you can imagine. But it has always been more feasible for me to stay home.
When my first marriage ended I went to work but my daughter's were 2 and 5 by that time. So the transition was pretty easy. I give props to the moms who are working and holding it down at home. That is no easy task.
It's a shame that even though we now have a black president, our race is still looked at like we just stepped off of the mother ship!
Thank you Quiskaeya for schooling those who don't have a clue and shining a bright light on BSAHMammas!
I think it totally appropriate to laugh at that guy. White People think they have the write to ask any question as if you an exhibit at a museum.
More importantly, I think it is stupid to think that SAHMoms look a particular way.
OH SNAP!!! I love this. I am tweeting this RIGHT NOW!
Thanks for the shout and I'm sure this list will GROW and GROW :)
I don't have a problem with anyone asking this question GENUINELY but, if they lace the question with sarcasm and disbelief then baaaaaaaby the education will begin and the revolution will be televised.
There are many people in this world that really don't have an idea and just assume that white women are the only ones staying home to take care of their children. SO NOT THE CASE!
I've been home with my kids for 5 years now. There's NO stopping me now!
Thank you for speaking up for so many of us.
I love love love the way you broke it down here on the main reason why we choose to stay home with our children:
***they see their children as their greatest investments; the most important blessings worth any financial sacrifice; and the biggest honor bestowed a woman?***
PREACH IT! PREACH IT!
Off to tweet land.......
My wife is a SAHM. People of all races are always surprised when I tell them this.
Tanyetta ran this up the flagpole and I had to weigh in on the topic. Having downsized our lifestyle before we moved to Scandinavia and were forced to, we were able to do without a lot of the stuff we were used to in America. The luxury of stopping at KFC or picking up a couple of large pizzas has been replaced with planning to fry chicken and or pay $50.00 to "treat" the family to pizza. While I cannot wait for my kids to grow up and move on, I can say that I have taken great pleasure in being around for the past 6 years of junior high, martial arts tournaments and bake sales. My 401K looks more like a 101f but I did what I had to do. With 2 beginning high school, one in middle school and only one in daycare, I feel less needed at home and look forward to going back to work part-time this fall.
Gina
For the longest I've had the desire to be a stay at home mother, well work at home mother rather. Years before having Jay, Greg and I dabbled in sooo many ventures that would allow us to make a decent income at home. We are both temporarily at home and it is the best thing for Jay. Growing up, I've seen my peers wilding out because their parents were away at work. I don't want my kids raised like that. And I'm in no way downing the parents because if that's what you have to do to keep a roof on your head and food on the table then so be it.
I get uneasy about racial debates, I hate to offend people. But I live by - if they can do it dammit so can I!
Great, great post!
Please, email me when you get a chance! Thanks.
"If ya didn't know, now ya know! :)"
That's from a song, because I can hear it playing in my head! :)
Anyway, yeah...put this mess on blast.
It's doesn't matter what race a SAHM is, we all want the same in this journey of rearing our children -- an up close and personal influence.
Unfortunately, people don't see Black SAHMs (unless they are "welfare moms")represented in the media a lot, but we definitely do exist.
I'm proud (and happy that I have the opportunity) to be one!
Yeah I think I would have laughed too. Actually I DID laugh when I read what he asked - so we would have BOTH been laughing at his azz. To me that's just simple. It's like DUDE, get off your block. Jeez!
I'm a SAHM and have been so since day ONE. In fact I'm in a mommy group with nothing but Black SAHM's. HELLOOOOO!
Being a stay at home mom is something I think about often. It's not possible at this moment. I have to pay off all these student loans & Jason can't afford to pay off my student loans, his, and all the bills in the house. I'm praying one day my husband gets a great job where I can possibly work part-time.
I honestly don't know how I would have reacted if that were me. And you're right being a SAHM is not for everyone but it is for me and I think I was made to do this.
When I was 8 months pregnant my husband and I made that decision and I've been at home with these kids ever since. I was very afraid of giving up the paycheck because we actually were in no position to survive solely on my husband's income. He had just started a new job but thank the Lord it worked out. I am blessed and extremely fortunate. Besides I was not at all comfortable handing over my paycheck to someone to watch my kids. I didn't like my job anyway.
Now thats pretty freakin wild! But you know, now that you mentioned it....LOL!
HUmm. nearly all my friend pre-children were not white. Only until I became a stay at home mom did our worlds separate. I have lived in metro areas as well as small hick towns and only recently did I meet a SAHM and homeschooling mom that was not white-very professional, milk choc. you might say=)). Why is that? I never thought about it until now, all the MOPS groups I have been in for nearly 9 years nearly the same thing. It doesn't make sense to me. I worked in the professional world for nearly 17years and never had a clue what it took to be a SAHM except no ambition, because after all you know that why they are at home- they can't do nothing else!lol- yeh, I'm really laughing now!
Oh for GOODNESS sake! Does that guy live in a bubble??
I WISH I could've stayed at home for my children.
I came from Tanyetta's blog...
HHHohhh Lord Jesus.
Some people need to know when to silence themselves. I've been on both ends.
I didn't want someone else raising my babies for me, but errr ummmm, I didn't know there was suppose to be a color barrier on who stays home with their children. Is someone under the impression that we have to receive general assistance in order to stay home? Sheeesh!
If finances permits, then yes, do what comes natural and stay home and NOURISH your babies. To tell a bit about myself, my 1st marriage was like...eww. I was out of the military for a hot second, and came right back in, so I could take care of my babies and myself. For me, the split was inevitable.
I can't tell you how much I wish I could've been home. Popping no-doz to stay awake for recitals, Falling asleep in the middle of reading to them, and trying to show an ounce of enthusiasm when I get a "giraffe" (I think that's what it was) drawn for me to display at work. Shame on me, but I'd have a tinge of excitement when one of my children would get sick and have to stay home...at least that way, Mommy could nurse them back to health quickly and have our own playdate indoors.
My wishes and story doesn't differ from any other Mother who desires to raise her own children, Black, White, Hispanic, Samoan... whomever.