I've mentioned before how Lil One gets serious separation anxiety when I leave him with other people. The only person so far that he's given me little problems with is a teenage girl from my complex who helped me out this summer with the kids. He absolutely loves her and she was phenomenal with the boys!
This week I've had to leave Lil One for a few hours with a babysitter that I used with Lil Man when he was a baby. She is the most loving and caring woman and I completely trust her. Lil Man used to love being at her house more than ours because she was so awesome. It's been so hard leaving Lil One there because he just wails and it breaks my heart.
The babysitter says that it's best to hand him over to her quickly and leave. Her other suggestion is to distract him with something and leave when he's not aware. My fear in this is that it will develop a feeling of being abandoned. Eventually, he may feel that I sneak away from him. I know that he is still so young that these thoughts I have are unrealistic. I just remember as a child feeling abandoned by my mom when she would go to work and she would leave without letting me know.
Does anyone have thoughts about this? Any suggestions to share? How do you handle a child who has separation anxiety?
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Friday, August 15, 2008
Baby & Separation Anxiety
Posted by Quiskaeya at 8:43 AM
Labels: Lessons in Motherhood, Lil One
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9 comments:
I agree with your stance on sneaking out. I, personally, do not sneak out on my babies/kids. I hold them for a moment to 'introduce' the sitter (even if they already know them well,) and kiss them, hand them over with all necessary "lovies" and walk out. I think doing it more quickly leaves less time for them to get really worked up. I also think continually sneaking out can eventually lead to feelings of them having to always worry you're about to take off without telling them even if you have no intentions of leaving them.
How long does he stay upset once you leave? Even my most clingly baby girl would only cry for a few minutes once I was gone and then, amazingly, would be fine the rest of the time. I always took her pacifier and her blanket everywhere she was staying b/c those were her attachment items. Also, any favorite books/toys and snacks.
Off Topic:
Over at my blog, a post titled: Skulls for Kids is kinda turning into a rebel flag debate. Not trying to stir the pot, but you came to my mind. I am curious about how black people in today's time feel about the rebel flag? Feel free to comment here or at my blog. *anyone that comes to my blog for this post, PLEASE keep all debates in debate form and not in attacking forms. I love a good, clean, SMART debate that leaves one side learning from the other!
I don't like sneaking out either. It has sometimes helped if I went to the babysitter's early enough to have some transition time, where we all get used to the new place together, visit, hang out and baby gets a chance to get used to the place before I leave.
Maybe the babysitter could stop by for a quick visit every so often so he can get used to seeing her.
You could also try leaving him with the babysitter for very short periods of time- 30 mins or so, so that he can get used to you leaving and coming back.
Just thinking out loud.
My little guy is 13 months. Twice recently I left him via the distraction method and he has been fine until he realizes I am gone. Once he knows I am gone he gets really upset and cries any way. the only bonus being that I just don't see him so upset.
Now however, he has started to get upset when I simply leave him in a room with other people to go to the potty, or if I go around the back of the car to get him out (so he can't see me). He is clearly afraid that I will just "disappear on him."
So my new method (he just started a part-time day care) is to tell him I am leaving, pick him up and give him a hug, say bye-bye and go. He runs after me, he cries, it is gut wrenching, but supposedly he only cries for about 2 minutes and then happily goes to play with the other kids. Better in the long run IMHO.
Long and short -- I'd recommend being upfront with him and not sneaking out. Eventually, he will learn that you come back, and it is not so bad that you leave.
I agree with not sneaking out. It will only intensify the anxiety later. I always allowed my dc to watch me leave. They will soon develop a trust that you will return and not "trick" them by sneaking off. It'll take a little time but will get better. :)
Hello Anna! : ) I currently work as a nanny for an adorable soon to be 3 year old little girl (in October). When I first started taking care of her she was 18 months old she didn't suffer to much separation anxiety with me though because I explained to her that while mommy/daddy works she and I get to play, dance, go for walks, read books, sing songs, color, do puzzles, and of course eat yummy snacks. I told her that mommy is very happy and daddy loves when she's having fun and they can do their work faster and better because of it too which means they can come back to her faster. She really liked this so I can take care of her whenever I'm needed and even for extended amounts of time too. Now, even when were apart her mother told me that she pretends to be driving her little car to go see "Auntie Chel" to play so we can have fun. I don't agree with the sneaking off of parents, but know its what some parents feel they need to do. I do think that it does create trust issues (in particular) when the child is young and also causes little ones unnecessary emotional stress too. Children need to know that mommy/daddy going to work, out, run errands is a natural part of life. It's just like when she and I go to the park or out shopping we tell her mommy/daddy "bye" and that we will be back. This makes sense to my little girl that I take care of so maybe it might work for your son too?
It's not unrealistic for children to want/need their mothers and to express it the best way they know how.
As a mother, never discount your instinct of what he's feeling regardless.
I say children are little people discovering and experiencing the range of emotions adults do to the degree that the world interacts with them.
I work at a day care and I've seen a lot in 4 months. There is one little girl who's parents make a big production out of leaving. They say goodbye at least 5 times and then when they do finally leave she is a mess for a good 10 minutes.
There's another child, a little boy of almost 2, who does this every now and then, but she hands him off to me (he's really attached to me) he cries for 2 minutes and then wants to get down and play.
My advice is don't sneak out, they will know and it will be worse when they figure it out. But just do it like a band-aid, quickly. He may cry for a little but it won't last for long.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I have decided to make the good byes short but still let the baby know that I am leaving. I will not sneak out on him when I need to leave him with others.
I agree with the caregiver: the quicker you leave the better. I have this issue with Nicolas occasionally when he's being dropped off at daycare.
I'm not saying you should just hand him over and jet out but like Mandy suggested, I usually carry Nico in, kiss him, tell him I love him and will be back later and hand him over to the sitter/caregiver and leave immediately. I found the longer I lingered, the more wailing there was and that doesn't do anyone any good.
Usually after I've left, no more than 5 min., he's stopped crying and is on the floor with the other kids like nothing ever happened (I know this because I pretended to leave, came back and watched him through the window). I think it's usually harder on the parents than it is on the kids. But then again, some kids are just going to be like that no matter what you do but I can't imagine NEVER being able to leave my child with someone...at some point he/she will have to realize Mom can't be around all the time.
Rania
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